Thrones of the Middle Kingdom: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Nothing is certain in life except death, taxes, and the need for a public toilet on holidays. This can be a worrisome prospect when travelling through China, not only because of the confusion over signs and language, or the concern over whether you will be required to sit or squat, but mainly because of the urgency in which this need may occur. When asking locals for directions, ‘WC‘ is more user friendly than ‘toilet’ or ‘bathroom’ throughout the country. If you want to be clever, the Chinese pronunciation is weishengjian, not to be confused with weishengmian, which translates to ‘women’s sanitary napkins’. I had a mildly embarrassing experience once wandering cluelessly through a restaurant in Shanghai, my bladder about to burst, asking all the waitresses where the tampons were, much to their amusement. I will leave the reviews of the wonderful restaurants of the region in the competent hands of  Journeys of a Gourmand, https://journeysofagourmand.wordpress.com , and instead tackle the task of identifying the good, the bad and the ugly thrones of the Middle Kingdom.

The Good

The toilets at the Grand Hyatt, located inside the SWFC building in Shanghai, are open to those staying at the hotel, eating and drinking at one of the restaurants or bars, and to anyone else who can hold on to their wiz whilst wizing up the 91 floors it takes to get there. It’s worth the wait. With a bathroom attendant to meet and greet you, the entry into this boudoir is as spectacular as the view behind you. Hair gels, face creams, cotton tips, hand sanitiser are all well stocked to keep you looking presentable. Their Piece De Resistance is the imported Japanese porcelain perfection. So many buttons for you to push in search of the one that pushes your button! This cubicle is so comfortable, that in the midst of contemplating life’s great mysteries I nearly forgot that the GF was nursing a martini at the bar. 

The Bad

There are certain towns in China that are certainly worth the visit, even though they lack a variety of accommodation options. Fenghuang is one such town where you will only find two star hotels with two star toilets. The rooms usually have the option of squat or sit, but both will suffer from shocking plumbing and be prone to overflow. No point changing rooms – as we did thrice to the bemusement of the hotelier – for the problem will usually be endemic to the whole street if not town. The most unfortunate of scenarios will include an insomnia inducing waft accompanying a drip drip drip throughout the stay. 

The Ugly

Unless you have your own mode of transportation, to truly see China sooner or later you’ll need to catch a bus. Therefore, you will need to go to a bus stop, a place you do not want to be with the ‘need to go’. Whilst travelling through Southern Yunnan we still had half an hour left before arriving and the situation was dire. Pulling into the bus station the situation was definitely diarrhoea. Both ran into the bathroom, and simultaneously ran out.

“NOOOOO way!” in unison. 

We held an understanding stare for all of five seconds.
There are no walls except a short one dividing women and men. There is no privacy and as with everywhere in China there is a crowd of people. After a wait in ‘line’, you take your position, a foot each on the two planks running through the room. My face was a centimetre from the old man in front of me, who was casual enough in this situation to be reading a newspaper. The guy a centimetre behind me was smoking a cigarette. There was room for about 15 altogether on the planks at one time. Another half dozen where waiting, watching very curiously as a foreigner crapped. 

I did the worst thing possible.  I looked down.

(All photos Instagram @briana.n.yoga & @nickisalwaysonholidays)

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7 thoughts on “Thrones of the Middle Kingdom: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly”

  1. Your writing style is thoroughly entertaining and although I have had many an ugly bathroom experience, I’ve been lucky enough to avoid walking the plank! Surprising what you can put your mind to when nature calls…!

    Liked by 1 person

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